Happy 2016 to all of you!
We had several lovely 30+ degree days last week.
“I want a snowman,” I say to my neighbor.
Next morning, when we went out to shovel the snow, there he was. I was so happy… couldn’t take my eyes off him.
Today is cold but sunny. I’ve checked on the snowman from time to time. (Sunshine, please don’t take my snowman away.)
I love journaling. I enjoy reading them too. Before coming to U.S., I had to make a hard decision about my old journals. I didn’t know when I would go back, didn’t want to carry them all the way here. Burning them seemed like a good choice. Sitting in front of fire, I read one page after another, cried a little and laughed a lot.
Later I regret for not keeping them. In a way, a part of my life had been wiped out by that fire.
I continued journaling (on and off), destroyed some and kept some. I like journaling, but what does it really mean to me? I didn’t know.
I didn’t know until now, that is. I recently learned that for me, journaling is a way to have a private conversation between me and myself. Sometime I want to talk to myself; sometime I don’t.
I have been living without any goal for a while. Life is relaxing and good, but I didn’t get a lot of things done ;-( Maybe having one or two goals per month is not a bad idea.
In mid of November, a nurse called telling us W’s CT scan showed that he had a 1.7 cm tumor in his bladder. “Likely cancer,” she said.
I watched W’s face turn greenish gray within seconds. I remembered a cancer patient had written an article advising people what to say when hearing someone has cancer. According to her, the best thing to say is: “Thanks for sharing the news with me.” Now that W and I got the bad news together, her suggestion apparently wouldn’t work for me.
I stood there seemingly forever, couldn’t find a word to say. Fifteen years ago when my sister called and told me she had breast cancer, I couldn’t find anything to say either.
Finally I said, “Whatever it is, we’ll handle it.” Even at that moment, I knew it was a lie. It is his body that will do all the fighting. All I could do was to take care of him and support him.
We clearly were cautious with what we said on the following days: we didn’t mention the illness; we stayed away from any words that associate with cancer. I soon discovered the magic of “I” word. “I am starting writing my bucket list.” “I believe in the power of positive thinking.” I this, I that… I felt more comfortable using “I” instead of “you”.
W had a surgery in mid-December. Dr. said that even though the tumor was a good size, the base of the tumor – the part that connecting to the bladder wall – was much smaller. He also told us that the tumor was a low grade one. “It is the best situation under the circumstance,” Dr. said.
We could breathe, finally. I felt as if we were waking up from a nightmare.
Today, W is almost fully recovered (Thank God.)
And I’ve officially started working on my bucket list 😉
Thanks for visiting my blog.